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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26927140">we were both young when i first saw you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jediwife/pseuds/jediwife'>jediwife</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Outer Banks (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Canon Compliant, Growing Up, M/M, Pining, mayward week 2020, swiftie jj maybank</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 02:15:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,882</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26927140</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jediwife/pseuds/jediwife</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“He shifts uncomfortably in the boat and Pope’s still talking about Bach and how did JJ not see this beforehand and he’s freaking out and Pope’s still talking? And their new friend Kie notices him panicking and crunches her eyebrows at him in a silent question. He shakes his head in answer and Pope finishes his speech and JJ suggests they all get in the water. He jumps in before anyone else and holy shit fuck what the fuck is he supposed to do with this realization? The three of them join him in the ocean and he can pretend everything’s back to normal. </p>
<p>Except, when they get out for dinner at John B’s, JJ makes a horrible joke and Pope beams at him in response and it makes his heart pound more than any girl he’s ever kissed.“</p>
<p>or: the jj growing up as a swiftie and in love with pope fic ive been threatening to write</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>JJ/Pope (Outer Banks)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>46</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>we were both young when i first saw you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this was supposed to be like 1500 words about swiftie jj and it just ballooned</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>part one: “i close my eyes and the flashback starts”</span>
</p>
<p>JJ was standing there, at seven years old when he and John B met Pope. Big John brought them to Heywards to pick up dinner, with hopeful instructions they’d only stay a few minutes. While Big John was paying, Heyward’s kid—a boy in their grade—peeked out from behind the counter and asked if they wanted to go swimming outside. Of course they wanted to, it was 90 degrees in the shade and they’d been helping Big John outside all afternoon, so the three of them snuck out while Big Joh wasn’t looking and ran pell-mell right off the wharf into the swampy ocean.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Pope joined the two that summer, and JJ quickly learned that Pope liked all the same things he did: boogie boarding 'cause they’re still too young to surf, fishing, and the music his babysitter Miss Crane showed him, Taylor Swift. The first time JJ stayed at Pope’s house for a “hang out” (they’re too old for play dates now, JJ says that's for little kids) Pope shows JJ his CD player and the CD with a pretty blonde girl in a white dress. JJ loves that album too and they sing loud and off key while eating lunch on the beach and running around. Briefly, JJ wonders what it’s like to dance with a boy, and have him spin you around the room.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That summer they did everything together. JJ and Pope pinky promised on the deck of Heyward’s boat that they’d be best friends forever, and Pope gave JJ his favorite necklace, a shark tooth on a leather cord that JJ had called “super dope” when he saw it on Pope’s dresser. They played pirates on the beach and pretended to search for buried treasure, and sang along to Taylor Swift and fished in Heyward’s boat with Pope’s dad at the helm and carefully guiding them how to hold the rod. They’d go over to John B’s to swim in the bay behind the Château. Big John would feed them watermelon slices for an afternoon snack and JJ’s mom would come pick him up when it got dark. JJ would go to sleep those nights warm and loved.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>JJ was nine when his mom took him to get ice cream. There was a place in town where everyone on the island would go to get ice cream, and on a Friday afternoon you’d always run into people from church and school there. JJ got double fudge brownie on a cone, she got salted caramel and they sat out at a table outside. He didn’t understand why his mom was wearing long sleeves in July, but he chatted away happily about how Pope was the smartest kid in their grade. He was so busy telling her about how Pope is already reading at a 10th grade level, that he accidentally dripped some ice cream on his shirt and his mom wiped it off with a napkin.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She had a serious look on her face when she asked him “you know I love you honey, right?”</p>
<p>He nodded, eyes wide, usure of why she was looking at him so intently.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Good.” She gave him the rest of the napkins in case he spilled any more.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>After, she drove them home and made dinner. His dad wasn’t around, JJ doesn't see his dad that often, his mom claimed he works late a lot. While she was cooking spaghetti, she ruffled his hair and helped him with his reading group assignment with him sitting at the dinner table.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s the last good memory of his mom that he has.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’s ten and Taylor Swift isn’t cool anymore. All of a sudden without him noticing there were boys and there were girls and they’re different now. They’re supposed to like different things, and apparently boys aren’t allowed to listen to girl music. Then there’s all this drama that JJ does not understand. John B talks about Hannah Anderson, who he says is the prettiest girl in their grade. JJ thought she was nice and liked her floral sundresses she wears, but he doesn’t understand what John B talks about. John B says his stomach goes all twirly whenever Hannah touches him, and that one time she kissed him on the cheek, his face got all red. JJ doesn’t get what all the fuss is about.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Pope helps him with his homework sometimes after school. They settle in on the porch of the Château and sift through their math assignments. It’s multiplying fractions that day and JJ would rather do literally anything else. He tells Pope that, and when Pope leans over into JJ’s space to help him, his stomach goes, as John B described, “all twirly.” Maybe JJ gets what all the fuss is about. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’s twelve and he doesn’t listen to Taylor Swift anymore, honest. He likes his dad's music, Lynyrd Skynyrd and AC/DC. It's tough and grimy and his dad wants to show him “real” music. Or what his dad calls real music. Plus his dad is a lot easier to be around when he’s showing JJ how to fix a greasy four cylinder engine on the back porch listening to Skynyrd. And JJ is interested in his dad's work, his dad's job, his dad's music. His dad hasn’t done anything bad to him in months so he thinks maybe last time was the last time. JJ feels like he’s finally cracked the code, all he has to do is appreciate the things that his father likes and his dad won’t get mad at him anymore. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was wrong. JJ was walking in the door—home from John B’s—and his dad was slouched on his armchair with a bottle of Jack Daniel’s in hand. JJ was just at the wrong place at the wrong time and his father was pissed about something that happened at work that morning so he took it out on JJ. It's the standard routine: his dad yells at him, hits him, and blames him for his mom leaving.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>After, JJ looks down and there are fat, purple bruises on his chest, his arms. They fucking hurt so bad but he can’t cry yet. He grabs the iPod he stole years ago and runs to the beach. There’s no one there; it's a freezing cold day in January and puts his earphones in. He’s crying by this point and wiping his cheeks with the backs of his hands and he knows exactly what he wants to listen to. He plays the Fearless album and her voice fills his head, talking about being with a beautiful boy and him taking all her fears away, being courageous and strong and twirling around in the rain completely happy. JJ thinks of all those times he listened to this album with Pope, back when they were seven and didn’t know anything. They played pirates on the beach, and collected seashells and JJ would give all the prettiest ones to Pope and they’d sing along to Taylor Swift. Lying on the beach now with bruises he didn’t have when he was seven, he wants that feeling back—that joyfulness, and that freedom.</p>
<p>JJ’s still crying by the time the first song ends. He lies on that beach for the rest of the album.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>part two: “he’s the song in the car, i keep singing don't know why i do”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’s fifteen when he realizes. Pope was monologuing about Puccini or Bach or something, some fancy ass music his dad made him listen to, not that JJ knew who either of those guys were. But he loves hearing Pope talk about the things he's interested in, and he listens as if Pope knows everything, or could fix everything. They’re on the boat, the four of them, and JJ’s watching Pope extol the virtues of Bach's Cello Suite Number 1 in G Major, and all of a sudden he wants to kiss Pope. For a second he imagines what it would be like to put his hands on Pope’s face and have Pope’s hands go around his waist while Pope kisses him and <em> holy shit </em>—</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Oh fuck oh shit. He shifts uncomfortably in the boat and Pope’s still talking about Bach and how did JJ not see this beforehand and he’s freaking out and Pope’s still talking? And their new friend Kie notices him panicking and crunches her eyebrows at him in a silent question. He shakes his head in answer and Pope finishes his speech and JJ suggests they all get in the water. He jumps in before anyone else and holy shit fuck what the fuck is he supposed to do with this realization? The three of them join him in the ocean and he can pretend everything’s back to normal. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Except, when they get out for dinner at John B’s, JJ makes a horrible joke and Pope beams at him in response and it makes his heart pound more than any girl he’s ever kissed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Okay so he’s gay. Huh. Didn’t see that one coming.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And honestly? JJ’s a little pissed at the universe for that one. Couldn’t he get a little leeway? Just one thing in his life that isn’t totally fucked up?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But no, on top of everything he had to be hopelessly in love with his best friend. Of fucking course. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Also that year, Big John disappears, and JJ’s pretty guilty for that one. He knows it’s his fault. Everyone leaves him eventually and Big John is just the latest in a long line. JJ had been staying at the Château most nights, crashing on their couch. Big John hadn’t minded, he said JJ could stay as long as he needed as long as he didn’t “eat them out of house and home” or cause too much trouble; JJ realizes he must’ve eaten too many dinners there and gotten in too many fights at school. JJ figures he must have been hanging around John B’s house too often, that he somehow contaminated it and forced Big John to leave, like whatever bad shit about him that made his mom leave also made Big John dip. But this is worse, ‘cause with his mom it was just him that relied on her, now without Big John, it's John B that’s hurting and it’s all JJ’s fault. JJ decides he can’t stay with John B as often as he’s gotten used to, he can’t risk John B taking off too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>John B isn’t doing too hot either. He sleeps a lot and has to be dragged out of bed for school by JJ and Pope. Big John had always been a relatively hands-off parent, but now John B has to figure out how to really live on his own, going grocery shopping and making dinner for himself and JJ those nights. JJ helps him scrape together the seventeen hundred a month for rent, and when the washing machine stops working, JJ spends an entire afternoon with John B watching tutorials on YouTube on how to fix it. JJ sees Pope watching John B with careful eyes, as if he’ll break down at any moment. Mostly, John B’s sleeping fourteen hours a night, eating spaghetti out of a can, and obsessing, wondering where his dad is. He’s doing fairly okay, so the three of them make sure to drag him kicking and screaming out to parties and school and picnics on the beach just to make sure he gets some sunshine, some social interaction.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The year isn’t completely awful. They still go out on the boat, go to parties, grill hot dogs on their little campfires on the sand. Those nights with the four of them cozied up by the fire dressed in sweatshirts and brandishing marshmallows for s’mores, were perfect oases of comfort. JJ could forget about his dad, Pope could ignore his dad’s expectations, and John B could pretend his dad wasn’t missing. They’re little moments of escapism for them, when everything feels normal and not fucked up. JJ and John B smoke weed and make jokes, Kiara plays for them, Pope talks about anything that comes to his mind, and JJ watches and listens to (t)his brilliant boy talk, with his fist under his chin soaking in everything Pope says.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>One of those nights, the four of them sat around the campfire while Kie was showing off she’d learned that to play Going to California on the ukulele, and was trying to replicate Robert Plant’s echoing vocals, when Pope held out his hand for JJ to take. Pope’s hands were still a little sticky with marshmallow and JJ was a little buzzed, but he definitely felt Pope’s hand gently leading him to stand up and going around his waist to lead him to dance around the fire. JJ easily relinquished the lead to Pope, who spun him around while Kiara sang. Just two bros casually dancing together, Pope’s hands giving JJ subtle hints of where he wanted JJ to move, when he wanted him to spin. Pope was humming the melody but looking at JJ and JJ felt seen, but in a good way, not in a vulnerable way.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Like Pope had him close to himself and saw him for real, all the fucked up parts of him but he still wanted him close to him. JJ looked at Pope and Pope looked back and for a moment JJ saw something in Pope’s expression. He swears he saw something genuine, soft. But then John B made some joke and Kie laughed and JJ and Pope broke apart, JJ’s face hot and looking at the ground.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tonight was tough for JJ. It’d been a loud house party, with a ton of messy teenagers getting shit faced, talking and singing, and playing beer pong then yelling about beer pong, it was really hot in whoever's house they were crashing and the lights were bright and every time Kiara leaned in to talk to him, JJ was also hearing the conversation happening on the other side of the room and oh man. By the end of it, JJ just wanted to stare at the wall and not talk to anyone for a week. People were starting to leave, so the four of them packed themselves into the van and John B and Kiara kept trying to talk to him, but just the noise of anyone talking made him clench his fists in frustration. A textbook would call it “overstimulation,” and a “classic trait of ADHD,” but JJ just knows it as “being fucking pissed at everyone right now,” it happens sometimes after long days. JJ’s in the backseat while they’re driving home, Pope on the other bench and Pope notices—when John B asks JJ about something and Pope sees JJ’s jaw clench up. Pope answers for JJ, flashes him a reassuring look, and leads the conversation to something else. JJ’s chest flutters, God Pope knows him so well, Pope’s so nice to him and JJ’s never loved Pope more.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They drop off Kiara and Pope at their respective houses, then drive to the Château and John B disappears inside to go to bed. JJ takes his phone and heads to the hammock, ready to decompress listening to the Red album.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Spotify does that stupid thing where it shuffles it and adds songs you didn’t ask for but whatever. He sinks into the hammock, feeling the breeze coming off the ocean and no one asks anything of him and there—that’s the feeling he’s been chasing with all the parties and the beer and the fistfights. He just feels contentment. Yeah she’s so straightedge but there’s just something so comforting about Taylor Swift—something so normal and unjaded and peppy about it. And lying there on the hammock listening to the music he’s loved since he was like seven, he can pretend he’s just a normal guy with a normal life.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He knows Pope’s in love with Kiara. He can tell, he sees the longing stares, the delicate touches. He wonders if Kie knows. Briefly he wonders God, can’t men and women ever just be friends? Why's it gotta be so complicated? What’s wrong with just a group of people who like to surf together and smoke and go to parties together why's there always gotta be feelings involved? And then he remembers how brilliant Pope is, and charming and perfect, and he’s in love with Pope and his whole line of defense goes out the window. And yeah, he tries to set up Kiara and John B ‘cause he knows Pope’s in love with her. Does that make him a shitty friend? He knows she and John B will never work out, they make no sense together and honestly he knows when Pope and Kie get together it’ll be the real thing, so he’s just trying to delay the inevitable. A distraction, even. And JJ could use a distraction right now.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So he goes surfing. He opens eight dollar bottles of wine and has to cut them with juice ‘cause he can’t deal with the taste. He goes to parties with the Pogues and pretends to hit on the girls there, John B buys the ruse. And for a little while, he can forget he’s in love with Pope and that Pope doesn’t want him. He can forget that Pope wants Kiara, not him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Things are okay. Until the treasure hunt. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>JJ was sixteen when everything changed. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>part three: “our coming of age has come and gone”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It's June the year JJ turns sixteen and Taylor Swift just released the Lover album and he annoys his friends by plugging his phone into the aux cord to cassette tape in the van’s stereo to play it because he’s obsessed. He’s in the passenger seat as they’re driving away from one of the construction sites they hang around to smoke and he's making them all listen to Taylor Swift to a round of groans from the three of them. Well, John B and Kiara. Pope’s always liked Taylor Swift too, because Pope remembers.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kie makes fun of him for it, ‘cause she has taste but whatever. JJ is sitting turned around in the seat so he can talk to Pope and Kie in the backseat, Pope beams at him and JJ thinks Pope’s just humoring him but it doesn’t matter when Pope looks at him like that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“She’s just so corporate, and like, indicative of a capitalist hegemonic culture, and she makes music to be played in malls so people will buy more,” Kie adds.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh I vehemently disagree. But whatever, I'm havin’ fun,” JJ defends. “And Corniela Street is just that fucking good. And like, I love her earlier stuff too, like you just have to be fun and cheesy and if you can ignore the fact she’s pissed at her dad for not letting her marry her prom date, it's like, sooo much fun dude.” JJ elongates the so for emphasis. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kiara wasn't done, “‘Kay but You Need To Calm Down?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>JJ acquiesced, “Well some, admittedly, I skip. But just wait, she’s gonna release an album that's gonna make you feel like hearing Fearless as a kid made you feel.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kiara looks skeptical. Pope mentions he liked her when he was a kid too, and John B pipes up with at least JJ’s not obsessed with Ed Sheeran or Journey so it could be a lot worse. JJ says something about how they just hate fun as he and Pope sing along to Paper Rings because it’s happy and soporific (Pope’s word) and JJ has decided that anything that makes him feel a little better, he's gonna enjoy unashamedly. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Talking to Pope and Kie from that passenger seat, he absently runs his hands through his hair and he sees Pope watching him closely, he thinks Pope’s watching his hands but he doesn’t get why. He sees Pope gulp. He guesses Pope must be thirsty and passes him his water bottle. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then John B sinks his teeth into this treasure hunt thing, and a buncha shit happens all at once. First, they get chased by mainlanders with guns, find some crappy compass, something about a lighthouse, and they find the wreck under the ocean. There’s no gold there though. Still, with Big John’s work they found the shipwreck that historians and oceanographers and private security teams and college professors have all theorized and searched for, and they found it with a three hundred dollar camera they stole from a junkyard. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then there’s a rumble, like something out of a drippy S. E. Hinton novel. But this wasn’t the Pogues versus the Kooks, this was Rafe and Topper beat Pope and no one fucking gets to do that. Ever since he saw Pope hurt and crying, he’s wanted nothing more than to tear Rafe and Topper’s faces off. He tries to distract Rafe so Pope could run back to the safety of the movie crowd, but Topper corners the two of them and they fight, fists and knees and brute force. Then JJ’s getting choked and he sees Pop getting hurt again by these assholes, and JJ sees red. He tries to kick the guy behind him in the stomach, but he can’t move. Thankfully Kiara burns down the screen and breaks it up. Rafe and Topper take off, largely unscathed. The Pogues lost this one, again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then the cops show up.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He doesn’t even think, he just hears himself shout “it was me!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He saw the sheriff putting handcuffs on the boy he loves and the look of terror on Pope’s face—a heady combination enough to devastate JJ. And so he claims it was him, and he keeps going on about how he was so sick of those assholes from Figure Eight that he lost his shit. He doesn’t see anything except Pope’s look of refusal, and JJ desperately trying to tell Pope to let him take the heat for this one. Let JJ save him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Pope finally lets him so JJ thanks him with a brief reassuring smile. Then Shoupe puts JJ in the car, JJ’s thrown in county lock up and for a moment, he’s terrified. He's in jail already, at sixteen, and confessed to a felony. His dad’s gonna freak. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then he remembers why he did it. Pope’s safe at home, with his parents. Pope’s future is safe. Pope’s gonna get that scholarship, go to college and do something better with his life. The boy JJ’s in love with is safe. That's all that matters. And so JJ smiles, knowing he did the right thing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The next morning, he takes a plea deal—in the police station, in front of his brooding father, and without access to an attorney. He keeps reminding himself of Pope’s future, that JJ saved Pope and that there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for Pope. He and his dad sign the papers at the station, the sheriff's deputy reads him his court date. He followed his dad out to the truck and he was right about one thing, his dad was pissed off. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then there's something about them getting the gold in the well here, but honestly JJ wasn’t really listening. Although there was that part where he had his hands on Pope’s face telling him to be safe, and Pope looking earnestly at him and telling him that he’d be safe for JJ, and JJ was definitely paying attention to that. His face was warm for the rest of the night after that.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>See, this is why they never let him drive, ‘cause he’ll roll up to rob a drug dealer blasting Back to December on their minivan’s blown out speakers. He was singing along to it enthusiastically when John B said “ya okay, bud? you seem a little...” and waved his hand to signal JJ had that crazy look in his eye and somehow the loud 2010 Taylor Swift lyrics to the otherwise silent car didn’t console John B to JJ’s state of mind.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m fine,” JJ reiterated, nodding a little too fast and eyes a little too wide. JJ loved this song and right now, with his white knuckled hands gripping the steering wheel, it is the only thing keeping him grounded. For months he’s been a taut string barely holding it together, but Barry trying to steal from them, pulling a gun on his friends, pulling a gun on <em> Pope </em>, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Oh shit, things are really bad if he’s mixing metaphors, and resorting to such a pedestrian phrase as straw that broke the camel's back? yikes. He refocuses his attention to driving and he pulls into Barry's driveway at the best part of the song—where she’s like “that September night, the first time you ever saw me cry”—but he kills the engine and saunters over Barry's threshold.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>John B follows him inside and pesters him with questions. JJ doesn’t really hear him, they’re just surface level questions about what he's doing as if it isn’t obvious, doesn’t John B understand? They’ve all been pushed around by Kooks, by the law, and it was time to fight back any way they can. JJ also bites back a comment that since Barry enabled his dad’s cocaine habit for years now, at least half of the cash tucked under Barry's mattress is rightfully his. John B is still trying to get his attention, but he doesn’t really care for John B’s opinion, there's been a ringing in his ears ever since a drug dealer pointed a shotgun at Pope.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Except then John B says something unforgivable that demands JJ’s attention when he says “if you keep going down this road, you’re gonna end up just like your dad!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>JJ almost punched him, he was so angry. He’s not and will never be his father. He's never hit a child, he’s never told a grieving kid he’s the reason his mother left, he’s never thrown a bottle at the wall inches from his son’s head. JJ is suddenly reminded that John B doesn't know about his dad, that all those times JJ showed up at the Château bruised and nervously laughed it off as “running into some Kooks on the way over,” John B fucking believed him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Suddenly, JJ’s all the more furious and he doesn't really feel himself walking out of Barry’s house with twenty five thousand in dirty money in his hands. He’s furious and not entirely conscious—just working off instinct as he yells at them, yells at Pope. They don’t understand, how don’t they understand that he wants to be out of it, of poverty, of his fathers thumb, of the law demanding thirty thousand dollars he doesn't have. He yells at them and they don't understand and he’s not really registering what they’re saying to him and he stalks off, by himself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He goes home. Big fucking mistake.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Suddenly, he's soaking in a hot tub, surrounded by string lights and plastic flamingos and drunk enough that his torso doesn’t hurt anymore. He's drinking actual champagne, like from France n shit, and oh God it’s so much better than that shitty ass Prosecco. He’s never drinking Prosecco again. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then Pope and Kie are there looking at him like he’s made an enormous mistake and maybe he has. He’s blathering on about what he got for them and stands up, triumphantly holding his sixty dollar bottle of champagne as if it's a prize, as if it's a representation of everything he did with Barry’s money. Pope and Kie don’t see it that way, when JJ stands up, all they see is his torso and what his dad did. And they're looking at him like they’re appalled and something changes, Kie wraps her arms around him and he fucking shatters. He can feel his head go to her shoulder and her arms around his waist and he knows he’s weeping but he’s drunk and has been in a fog of bad decision making all day.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then he feels Pope around him and he just collapses. He knows if he lets himself have this, this one night, he’ll never stop loving Pope, wanting Pope. But he’s hurting, his defenses are down and he just wants to be close to the boy he loves, and this is the only thing his dad can never take away from him. He grips onto Pope’s arms and listens to Pope telling him everything’s gonna be okay.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>JJ cries in that hot tub, supported on both sides by Pope and Kie.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They stay like that in the hot tub awhile, JJ has no idea how long, he’s drunk and still crying and Kie’s still whispering in his ear. Eventually, she extracts herself to go turn off the lights, and carefully guides JJ into Pope's embrace. JJ digs his nose into the crook between Pope’s neck and shoulder, scrunching his hands into the back of Pope’s shirt and Pope's strong arms curl around him for the second time that night. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>After a long few minutes, Pope leads them back into John B’s house. His hand is on the small of JJ’s back and JJ is staring at the ground as Pope and Kie corral him inside. They make JJ change out of his wet clothes in the bathroom but join him again on the couch. Pope’s on one side and Pope looks at him like he wants to help him, and for one night JJ lets him. JJ lays down on Pope’s chest on John B’s lumpy couch and Pope's arms immediately go around him. He is still drunk and not tracking but safe from the world in Pope’s arms. Pope’s hands are gently rubbing his back through the shirt he took from John B’s closet. It's the closest he’s been to Pope ever, and he starts to fall asleep on Pope’s warm chest. As he's drifting off he hears Pope and Kiara talking quietly probably about him, he doesn't care enough to pay attention. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>John B goes on the run, Pope kisses Kiara, John B and Sarah fly out into a hurricane with the <em> Phantom</em>, JJ and Pope spend the night crying in Pope’s bedroom, John B calls them from a freight ship in the middle of the Atlantic. It’s been two grueling fucking days.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He just wants to curl up with a joint and a Taylor Swift album. Lover album if he wants to distract himself, debut album if he really wants to wallow. It’s like, he gets it—Kiara’s beautiful and clever and inquisitive and wants things out of life, and she and Pope have so much in common and she’s not from a long line of drunks and gamblers. She’s everything he’s not he gets it. Let him live and go get high by himself listening to Taylor Swift so he doesn’t have to think about Kie and Pope macking on each other. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>But how selfish is that? John B’s on the run and all JJ wants to do is throw a pity party for himself because Pope kissed Kie. The tiny part of his brain said JJ was focusing on something moderately inconsequential so he doesn’t have to think about John B leaving them for Nassau. Whatever. He’s still selfish for thinking about Pope and Kie and not doing everything he can to help John B even though John B said he specifically didn’t want any help because it might raise suspicion. And he’s selfish for thinking about Pope and Kie, because they’re his best friends and he loves them; he just wishes it was him that Pope wanted. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He goes to the Château and rolls a joint, idly thinking it’s probably best to use up the stuff before the place is swarming with cops. Lighting it, JJ turns on the Lover album on his phone and flops down on the couch, the same couch where two nights ago he slept on Pope’s chest. But now is different because Pope and Kie have each other, they don’t need him right now. He smokes. He blessedly doesn’t think about Pope and Kiara anymore that night, he just gets high and loudly sings along to Cruel Summer.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He skips It’s Nice To Have A Friend. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>tiny epilogue: “i don't know how it gets better than this”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Pope’s just turned twenty two, and woke up alone in the Château’s guest bedroom with the worst headache ever and some horrible racket coming from the kitchen. Last night was his birthday and he wanted something small so it was just the six of them—him, JJ, John B, Sarah, Kiara and Amy, Kiara’s partner—getting drunk on Hurricanes from a recipe Sarah learned waiting tables in Nassau. It’s basically equal parts Bacardí and passion fruit juice so he was feeling it the morning after. No one else is awake, and he wanders into the kitchen, and sees his boyfriend making pancakes spinning around loudly singing along to Taylor Swift’s Fearless album.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“and drag me headfirst, Fearl—Oh hey babe, how’re you feeling?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Pope eloquently blew a raspberry in response and gave a thumbs down sign.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“There’s still champagne from last night, I’m makin’ mimosas. Here.” He hands Pope a glass of champagne and orange juice in a crystal flute. “Oh and there’s coffee if you want that.” He gestures to the espresso machine on the counter.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Pope gratefully took the glass and sipped it. Taylor Swift was still playing off John B’s in house speaker system and JJ returned to singing Fearless making pancakes. Pope noticed they’re alone with Kie and Amy asleep on the porch and John B and Sarah still in their room, so Pope curled up behind JJ at the stove, Pope’s nose in JJ’s neck and his arms around JJ’s torso. JJ flips a pancake and asks him what’s up bro? As if they’re fifteen again. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Pope takes the pancake spatula out of JJ’s hands, and slides one hand to his waist, the other catches JJ’s and Pope intertwines their fingers. JJ raises his eyebrows to reply but catches on and dances around John B’s remodeled kitchen and easily slips his chin over Pope’s shoulder and curls softer into his partner, while Pope sings along to the song. And there, that is the feeling JJ’s been chasing, JJ’s happy. Pope’s happy. For so long this music has been used as escapism for JJ, so JJ could remember his childhood and how easy his life was back when he and Pope were just playing pirates on the beach. But this is different, he’s not trying to distract himself from his life, or escape it, he’s just living. He hasn’t been afraid of his father or the Kooks in a long time and he has the boy he loves. He’s not using this music as escapism anymore, he’s listening to it dancing with the boy he’s loved since he was fifteen that he swears he’s gonna marry someday. JJ smiles and dances around John B’s kitchen. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Oh and for sure they make pancakes loudly singing along to Love Story and wake the whole house up ‘cause they’re just that cheesy.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>yes you can play going to california on the ukulele i watched a video on youtube of some guy doing it to make sure<br/>Also ok so there's like a difference between new orleans hurricane (cocktail) and the bahamas version where like the new orleans version is rum, orange and passionfruit juice which sounds really good, but the bahamas version is like rum, kalua, baileys, and grand marnier which sounds TERRIBLE, so i switched them<br/>also i decided lover came out in june 2019 instead of august so jjs memories of it are bopping around in the van to it not grieving john b<br/>@katie-mcgreat on tumblr i have a whole swiftie jj maybank tag<br/>Anyway thanks so much for reading! Hope yall liked it</p></blockquote></div></div>
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